The Adventures of Capital R and Hat Girl
by La Epster
Summary: When Grantaire hears a noise, he rips of his clothes to become Capital R. Lttle does he realize that he really just rips off his clothes. Rated out of excess of caution. COMPLETE
1. Default Chapter

The Adventures of Capital R and Hat Girl  
  
A/N Those who are disturbed by a naked Grantaire running through Paris dragging a bewildered Eponine behind may want to leave the room NOW! Those who aren't may continue. I do not own Les Miserables. This is based off of a comic book that I have been working on about this same topic just to show the kids at school... The teachers like it even more than the kids. Anyway. Enjoy. Oh! And the parts in parenthesis are what Grantaire is imagining.  
  
Chapter 1.  
  
(The mild mannered Grantaire sits in his usual chair at the Café Musain. Suddenly, he hears a noise! "Help!" The voice cries. Grantaire rips off his clothes to become Capital R! The dashing defender of France! "Tally Ho!" He cries.)  
  
Grantaire ripped off his clothes and ran out of the café, naked. Enjolras watched him leave and sighed, "Oh no... Not again..."  
  
(Capital R hears a young gamine cry.)  
  
"Marius will never love me!" Eponine wept as she sat on the ground in front of Grantaire, oblivious to the nudist that was staring at her.  
  
(Capital R decides to come to her aid! "Have no fear Mademoiselle, for-")  
  
Grantaire leapt out in front of Eponine. Eponine turned to see what had happened only to see the hairy, naked, adorably ugly, unshaven Grantaire. Eponine did what most people would do in this situation... she screamed and passed out.  
  
("La Mademoiselle must've fainted from my sheer beauty." Capital R decides to make her his sidekick as he wakes her up. "Mademoiselle! I will make you my sidekick and you shall be called Hat Girl!" He says as she regains consciousness. )  
  
Meanwhile, at the Café Musain, Enjolras had rounded up Les Amis to go out into Paris to search for the cynical, drunk nudist. "Okay, Grantaire is running around Paris in the nude... again and we have to go find him... again... Prouvaire, get the absinthe."  
  
(Capital R's Amis senses begin to tingle! He takes Hat Girl behind a brick wall for he has to make sure she is safe. He peeks around the wall. He knows that Les Amis, his evil arch-villians will use his weakness, absinthe against him.)  
  
Joly happens to pass by Grantaire. He looks around. "Now, if I were a cynical, drunk nudist, where would I be?"  
  
("Rats!" Capital R hisses. "Hypochondrion is on to us!" Hat Girl peeks around the corner. "That's just Joly, monsieur, and he's a hypochondriac, not Hypochondrion." "Quiet, Hat Girl!")  
  
Joly turns the corner... this proves to be a mistake.  
  
("Oh no! There he is! A mix of animals and the diseases they carry!" Capital R cries. "I'll use my utility belt! Take that, Hypochondrion!" Capital R cries as a yellow light bathes Hypochondrion.)  
  
The dripping wet Joly looks down at his once white, now urine stained shirt and growls as Grantaire and Eponine run off. "Ugh. He freakin' peed on me! Now it's personal!"  
  
(Capital R and Hat Girl arrive at the river Seine. Capital R looks out. "I think we're safe," he says. He looks out to see the Inspector Javert. "Ah an inspector!")  
  
Javert is cursing since he has not found that darn 24601. He looks out in the distance. Then e hears someone clear his throat. He turns around to see the naked Grantaire and a very scared Eponine. He can just barely make out her mouthing "Help me!" Grantaire looks at him with a very serious expression. "Do not worry, police Inspector Javert. Hat Girl and I will take it from here." Javert watches them run off. He then looks into the river. "Jumping into the Seine may not be such a bad idea," He muses.  
  
(Capital and Hat Girl run down a street. They stop by a brick wall. A gamin walks by.)  
  
Gavroche walked by Grantaire and Eponine as he hummed a few songs he had overheard the day before.  
  
("That gamin should not be on the street!" Capital R cried out. He ran to the little gamin.)  
  
Grantaire jumped in front of Gavroche who jus stood looking amused. Grantaire got an extremely stern look on his face. "Little boy, I must tell you-"Gavroche turned to the right and called out, "He's right here boys!"  
  
("Oh no! Les Amis! That little gamin ratted me out! And they have absinthe! Augh!" Capital R cried as he grabbed Hat Girl.)  
  
Les Amis chased Grantaire down the street as he carried the now hysterical Eponine down the street. "Come on, Hat Girl! Let's go!" He could hear Joly shout, "He freakin' peed on me!" Marius shouted, "He has Eponine!" There were shouts of "Get him!" and "This time, he's gone too far!"  
  
(Capital R has been captured now. He is chained to a board as the Red and Black Apollo tries to force a bottle of the evil absinthe down his throat. )  
  
"Look Grantaire," Enjolras growled, "It's the only way to make you normal! Now drink!" Five bottles later, Grantaire was on top of a table singing an impromptu song. He was finally fully clothed again. Enjolras was trying to get him down. Marius was comforting Eponine who thought to herself as she cried hysterically, "Yes! He's finally paying attention to me! No more Cosette! It's all Eponine now! Maybe that nudist is good for something!"  
  
What will happen next? Will Grantaire become Capital R again? Will Eponine finally win Marius' heart? Will the author go to bed so she can go to church in the morning? Tune in next time for more adventures of Capital R and Hat Girl!  
  
A/N: Yes there is a lot of modernisms in this but they are meant to be there for humr's sake. Also, it is meant to change tenses. La Epster 


	2. Origins of Capital R

A/N: Thank you so much for all of your great reviews! In this one, there are a lot of flashbacks. Enjoy ... And remember, I do not own Les Miserables  
  
Chapter 2- The Origins of Capital R  
  
Combeferre walked up to Enjolras. He was mad. Grantaire had gone too far last time. He had to talk to Enjolras about it.  
  
"Enjolras, we have to do something about Grantaire. This is the third time this week he has run through Paris in the nude!"  
  
"I know, Combeferre."  
  
"Maybe we should do something... Maybe we should take away his drinking priv- "  
  
"No! No! He has to drink." Enjolras stated. "Sit down. I have something to tell you."  
  
*Cue Flashback*  
  
A small, freckled, eight year old Paul Grantaire was climbing a tall tree in a park. The six year old Pierre Enjolras was down on the ground.  
  
"Come on Pierre! It isn't that high!" Little Paul said.  
  
"I don't know," the young Pierre said.  
  
Suddenly, Paul lost his footing and fell eight feet. He landed hard on his head. He was in bed for a week. Pierre had to find other ways of entertaining himself. He played with the family dog; he tried on his mother's dresses and was scolded by his father.  
  
One day, Pierre was drawing in the dirt when he saw a small pink dot come down the hill. The dot grew bigger and gained more features. Soon, Pierre could make out his best friend, Paul, in his birthday suit.  
  
"Never fear, mon ami, for Lowercase R is here! You shall be my sidekick, Red and Black Apollo!"  
  
For the next eleven years, Pierre followed Paul on his little adventures. Then one day, when Paul was nineteen, Pierre approached him.  
  
"Paul, we have to talk."  
  
That night, Paul had his first drink of absinthe and forgot about being Lowercase R. The next morning, he realized what had happened. He approached Pierre for he was mad!  
  
"Pierre! You have crossed over to the dark side! Now, you will see me no more! I will be known forever as Capital R, defender of France as you will be Red and Black Apollo, my arch-enemy!" He then ran off after throwing off all of his clothes.  
  
Pierre had not seen Paul for another two years. He had decided to try and attract him by creating Les Amis De L'ABC for Paul would do anything to help the poor. He had everyone go by their surnames so that he could tell when his long lost friend had come. Finally, Paul came.  
  
Enjolras told the waitress Fricassee to give Grantaire some absinthe. Shortly, Grantaire was so drunk that he didn't know his own name. Enjolras paid Fricassee to make Grantaire drunk every night for the absinthe counteracted the effects of Grantaire's concussion causing his hallucinations of being Capital R to be replaced by what was happening around him. All seemed normal until one day when Grantaire was served brandy instead of absinthe. He heard a noise. Enjolras had to bail him out for indecent conduct.  
  
Grantaire had decided he would act like he was drunk so that he would not be suspected to be Capital R by the "evil society", Les Amis. But when he heard a noise-  
  
*End Flashback*  
  
"Okay! Okay! I get it!" Combeferre yelled.  
  
"So you see why Grantaire has to drink?"  
  
"Yes... but how can he be in the real world when he drinks-"  
  
Suddenly, Eponine screamed out. Grantaire threw off all of his clothing and raced out the door with tightly shut eyes.  
  
"Don't worry, Hat Girl! I'm coming!"  
  
"Oh no..." Enjolras and Combeferre groaned in unison.  
  
What will happen next in the lives of Capital R and Hat Girl? Why did Eponine scream? Why don't Les Amis just commit Grantaire? Why won't my computer function proplerly? Tune in next time for more Adventures of Capital R and Hat Girl!  
  
A/N: Yes, I am a little insane, non? I did this to justify why they use Absinthe on Grantaire to make him normal... also because I was bored and tired and on a sugar high... Please review and no Flame or Capital R will use his utility belt to extinguish them (Sorry, had to use it...) La Epster 


	3. Hat Girl Tied to a Chair

A/N: Thanks again for the great reviews. This chapter has implied Eponine/Grantaire... note I said implied... take it however you want. As I have said, I do not own Les Miserables... but I do own a laptop computer... Yeah... Enjoy!  
  
Chapter 3- Hat Girl tied to a Chair  
  
(Capital R flies through Paris. He has just heard his beloved sidekick scream for help. He flies toward her apartment. It looks as though there as been a fight.)  
  
Eponine sat tied to a chair after being beaten, once again, by Montparnasse. She had screamed out for help after Montparnasse had left and she had tried to get out of her ropes but had found that they had gotten tighter. She heard a window break and saw the naked Grantaire leaping, almost gracefully, through the glass window pane. She watched the glass shards shower onto the ground as the moonlight streamed in making little rainbows on the floor. This almost reminded her of a deer, leaping through a waterfall, or a goose, making a bad landing. She watched almost awestruck. She felt that it was the most beautiful and yet disturbing thing she and ever seen. She mentally kicked herself for her thoughts on Grantaire. Then she attempted to get him to save her.  
  
"Hey! Grantaire! Over here, you naked, drunken idiot!" She screamed.  
  
Grantaire was unphased.  
  
(Capital R decides to search all of Paris for his little friend.)  
  
"Hey!" Eponine cried as Grantaire left. "Never, never, never trust a naked, drunken cynic!" She growled to herself while scooting her chair across the floor towards the door, following the nudist.  
  
(Capital R flies through Paris. It has been an hour. There is still no trace of Hat Girl. Capital R lands on a street light feeling the warmth underneath while watching for her.)  
  
Grantaire sat on top of a street light. Eponine's sister, Azelma, was on her way back to the apartment from a robbery. She saw Grantaire perched on the lamp post. She decided to call up to him.  
  
"Monsieur?"  
  
"Oui?" He responded.  
  
"What are you doing up there?"  
  
"I need to find Hat Girl!"  
  
"That's an odd way of going about it!"  
  
"Not really, after all, I am Capital R!"  
  
"Doesn't that hurt you?"  
  
"Of course not! Capital R never feels pain!"  
  
Azelma looked up at him for a moment. She knew that the fire in the lamp was going to just get hotter and soon, the nudist would receive an unpleasant surprise. She turned to go. As she turned to leave she heard the nudist cry out in pain as he almost "flew" off of the lamp.  
  
(Capital R lands on the ground. He decides to run for the rest of his search. Maybe he could find Hat Girl better this way. He runs down the street and cries out in a very "Street-car named Desire" way, "Hat Girl!")  
  
Enjolras had decided to go after Grantaire, in case he needed help. He turned into an alley to see Grantaire crying out for this "Hat Girl." Enjolras just turned and left.  
  
(Capital R sits down in an alley way. He wonders where his beloved Hat Girl is. He remembers all that they had been through.)  
  
Meanwhile, Eponine scooted down the street on her chair, cursing under her breath. She stopped and rested for a while. Why was she so concerned with Grantaire finding her? After all Azelma could always come and untie her. She struggled again and screamed as the ropes got tighter. When she found Grantaire... if she found Grantaire... she was going to kill him...  
  
Will Capital R ever find Hat Girl? Will Eponine ever trust a naked, drunken, cynic again? Will Eponine learn of why Grantaire acts this way? Will Eponine kill Grantaire? Why do Eponine's thoughts go to Grantaire? Why is this Question section so long? Tune in next time for more Adventures of Capital R and Hat Girl!  
  
A/N: I hope ya'll enjoyed it. And for Scott , things will get a bit Gorey in a few chapters. Anyway, please no flames. Thanks!  
  
La Epster 


	4. Capital R fights Le Pantalon Monster

A/N: Thanks for all of the reviews! Anyway, this chapter had one-sided Grantaire/Eponine. The one-sided Grantaire/Eponine will get even funnier in two chapters. Again, I do not oewn Les Miserables but I do have conversations with Grantaire, Eponine, Enjolras, and Joly...Enjoy!  
  
Chapter 4- Capital R battles Le Pantalon Monster  
  
(Capital R hears a screeching noise. He readies himself for battle.)  
  
Eponine scooted on her chair down the street. She was grumbling and cursing under her breath. She then growled out, "I am so going to kill Grantaire!"  
  
(Capital R hears a voice. Could it be?)  
  
Eponine looked up to get a full frontal view of Grantaire. She shuddered as he ran toward her. He then grabbed her and with the strength of twenty men, he ripped her out of the chair, snapping the ropes, and squeezed her saying "Hat Girl!"  
  
Eponine's only response was to the incredible, burning pain caused by the ropes as she simply cried, "Ouch! Holy Rope Burn!"  
  
(Suddenly, Capital R hears a gamin cry!)  
  
Gavroche was back at the café. He saw Grantaire's clothing piled up and ran out the door.  
  
"Grantaire! You forgot your clothes!" Gavroche yelled as loud as he could. Before grabbing the clothing and running down the street.  
  
("Come on Hat Girl! Let's go!" Capital R cries as he runs down the Parisian street, with Hat Girl not too far behind.)  
  
Grantaire dragged Eponine and ran with such speed that her feet never touched the ground. Eponine just sighed.  
  
"Here we go again... a gamine who just turned sixteen being dragged around Paris by a drunk, cynical, nudist."  
  
(Capital R and Hat Girl stand atop a high building. He realizes they must get across.)  
  
"Grantaire? Are you sure we're supposed to be up here? It's awfully high," Eponine gasped as she looked down.  
  
(Capital R turns to see that Hat Girl becoming an eagle. "Great idea, Hat Girl!" Capital R helps Hat Girl into the air.)  
  
Grantaire lifted Eponine and threw her as hard as he could across the wide street. Eponine screamed as she felt gravity take quickly control, "Augh! Why did you try to throw me across?"  
  
(Capital R and Hat Girl fly through the streets of Paris.)  
  
Eponine landed on an awning and bounced from that awning to another and continued this way until hitting a wall. She was knocked unconscious  
  
("Hat Girl!" Capital R cries out. Capital R runs to Hat Girl who is now human and cradles her in his arms. "No!")  
  
Gavroche ran to Grantaire with the clothing in his arms. "Monsieur?" He asked while he held up the pants.  
  
(Capital R turns to see a gamin being attacked by Le Pantalon Monster.)  
  
Grantaire glared at his pants. Gavroche looked at him. "Why are you glaring at your pants?"  
  
(Capital R attacks the monster. He fights bravely. This one's for Hat Girl!)  
  
Gavroche watched Grantaire leap on his pants and he got into a large brawl with them. Gavroche sighed and rolled his eyes.  
  
"I can't believe Grantaire's fighting with his pants!"  
  
(Le Pantalon Monster is attaching itself to Capital R's legs! The end is near!)  
  
Suddenly, Grantaire's pants were on him as he sat with his legs splayed out and cried, "Augh!" Eponine was awakened by him. She sat up and looked at Grantaire wearily.  
  
"Grantaire sees his sidekick awaken and become the mild-mannered Eponine. Grantaire is overjoyed and wishes to show her his joy," Grantaire narrated for himself.  
  
"What hap-"Eponine started. But her question was cut short by Grantaire's passionate kiss. Eponine tried to pull away but Grantaire had her locked in his kiss. Gavroche was laughing heartily.  
  
"Man! I wish someone would hurry up and invent a video camera!" Gavroche laughed.  
  
Will Grantaire stop kissing Eponine? Will someone hurry up and invent a video camera? Why did Grantaire kiss Eponine? Tune in next time for more Adventures of Capital R and Hat Girl.  
  
A/N: I forgot to say it up there but please, no flames because Grantaire thinks he's a firefighter sometimes (If ya know what I mean.) 


	5. Capital R vs Goatman

A/N: This chapter has minor goat violence. Also, the Grantaire/Eponine is a little more than implied in this chapter as well. There is at least one modernism but I needed it for the situation Grantaire gets himself into THIS time. I don't own Les Miserables. I own a picture of my dog. Enjoy!  
  
Chapter 5- Capital R vs. Goatman  
  
When we last left our heroes, Grantaire had Eponine locked in a passionate kiss and Gavroche was laughing uncontrollably. Meanwhile, in a pasture belonging to a cousin of Joly's, a young goat was bleating and having the time of his life.  
  
(The mild mannered Grantaire hears a noise! He decides to become Capital R and take his sidekick with him.)  
  
"Come on, Hat Girl," Grantaire said as he unzipped his pants. Eponine only rolled her eyes thinking that Grantaire was going to try something terrible. Instead, he grbbed her wrist and dragged her again.  
  
(Capital R arrives in an empty field. He looks around to see that he has been tricked!)  
  
Eponine looked to see what Grantaire was glaring at. She saw a small, adorable, white billy goat staring up at Grantaire with an amused and innocent face. Eponine rolled her eyes.  
  
"Grantaire, why're you staring at a goat?"  
  
("That is no ordinary goat, Hat Girl, but my evil arch-enemy, Goatman!" Capital R cries as he sees the large, muscular goat; standing upright with a scar on his left eye, wearing a ripped camouflage shirt, a ammunition belt, a gun, and a sword. Capital R prepares to fight.)  
  
Eponine watched Grantaire pose and groaned. This was going to be interesting. The goat stared at him, puzzled.  
  
(Capital R demonstrates his kung-fu mastery!)  
  
Grantaire began to "slap-fight" the air. Eponine rolled her eyes. The goat glared at Grantaire and thought, "He just went from slightly amusing, to really annoying."  
  
(Capital R sees Goatman prepare an energy ball for his next move!)  
  
What happened next happened in slow motion for Grantaire. The goat scooted back and then started to run at him with his head down. His horns were aimed at his easy to find target. If Grantaire had been drunk, he could've reacted. The pain was incredible as the goat rammed him in between the legs before bounding off "laughing". Eponine had a mix of pity, empathy, and humor as she watched Grantaire bounce up and down, holding his crotch, while screaming in an almost castrato voice "Come back here and fight like a man! I'll be back, Goatman!  
  
Eponine decided to help him to the café. The other students were in there except Joly. Grantaire's clothing was on his usual chair. The students had to stifle their laughter as Grantaire mumbled in his high voice and took extremely small steps to avoid any more pain.  
  
"Someone has to dress him!" Eponine shouted. No one volunteered because all of them, even Enjolras, were laughing hysterically. Eponine winced as she realized ho the duty was left to. She slipped on his pants causing him to scream loudly, and then slipped on his shirt. She then ran and got one of his bottles of brandy and gave it to him. Grantaire looked at her strange.  
  
"It's brandy, it'll help with the pain," Eponine said. This worked as Grantaire downed the whole bottle in less than one minute. Eponine went out and tried to get some ice. She came back and gave him a bag and told him to hold it where it hurt. The she left the café and threw up outside the door thinking about what she had just done. She then went off, cursing under her breath.  
  
"The mild-mannered Grantaire sits in his usual chair in the café. He know that someday, someday, he will get that Goatman-ow!" Grantaire squeaked.  
  
Joly came in the door after about an hour. "Sorry I'm late, you guys. I just was at my cousin's and he said that he needed help calming down his goat as it was being pestered by a naked, ugly, long haired man," Joly said while the other students all glared at Grantaire whose only reply was, "What?"  
  
Will Capital R defeat Goatman? Will Grantaire tell Eponine why he kissed her? Does Grantaire know why he kissed her? Will Eponine suffer extreme emotional damage from what she just had to do? Will Joly's goat so something stupid like ram Grantaire again? Will the Author stop being sugar high? Tune in next time for more adventures of Capital R and Hat Girl! 


	6. Capital R proposes

A/N: Now this chapter obviously has a lot of Grantaire/Eponine in it. I don't own Les Miserables... but I do own a very loved souvenir program.  
  
Chapter 6- Capital R Proposes  
  
(The mild-mannered Grantaire is at the jewelers. He is buying a ring for tonight, he will propose marriage to his beloved sidekick, Hat Girl. He picks out the perfect ring, pays the jeweler, becomes Capital R, and leaves.)  
  
The jeweler looked at Grantaire as he left with the small black ring box and thought, "Well, that's a first."  
  
(Capital R sees his beloved.)  
  
Eponine was sitting on a bench, nursing a black eye and trying not to cry because of what Montparnasse did to her THIS time.  
  
"Bonjour, mon cher Hat Girl!" Grantaire said as he walked to her.  
  
"Oh Boy, here we go again." Eponine groaned.  
  
(Capital R decides to take his beloved out for dinner.)  
  
Eponine stared up and down at the nudist and said, "Grantaire, I don't think that too many restaurants are going to allow you when you're naked."  
  
(Capital R and Hat Girl walk hand in hand down Le Rue Plumet.)  
  
"Ow! You're crushing my hand, you drunk nudist!" Eponine cried out as Grantaire gripped her hand tightly.  
  
"Oh, I'm not drunk, mon cherie, I never have been." Grantaire sighed.  
  
Finally they arrived at the restaurant and were seated at a table outside, where no one else was. There was a single, lit candle in the center of the table.  
  
(Capital R and Hat Girl enjoy a candle lit dinner.)  
  
A breeze sent Eponine's hair right into the candle. Soon, her head was engulfed in flame. She screamed, "Augh! My hat! My hair!" She dunked her head in the water and sighed in relief. Unfortunately, Grantaire mistook this sigh.  
  
(Capital R decides the time is now.)  
  
Eponine watched Grantaire kneel on the ground, as he took a ring box out (you don't want to know where he stored it.) "What are you doing?" Eponine said. "Get off of the floor."  
  
Grantaire took her hand and kissed it. Then he said, "Eponine Celeste Thenardier, my beloved Hat Girl, will you marry me?"  
  
Eponine stared at him and the only thought that came to her mind was, "Aw *Insert Expletive Here*."  
  
Will Eponine say yes? Will she say no? Where did that ring box come from? What will Montparnasse say? Tune in next time for more Adventures of Capital R and Hat Girl! 


	7. Capital R vs The Smiley Face Sticker

A/N: This chapter has great Grantaire/Eponine (Eponine's yelling at me now). There is time for you to use your imagination at one point though it shouldn't be too hard to figure out what I mean. I don't own Les Miserables. I own a book... I'm just not sure what it is. Enjoy!  
  
Chapter 7- Capital R vs. the Smiley Face Sticker  
  
When we last left our heroes, Grantaire had Eponine in an awkward position. Eponine was about to say "You want ME to marry YOU?" but all that she got out was "Y-" for a smiley face sticker fell from the sky and onto her nose. Now this was not any ordinary sticker for it was about as large as a wide, opened mouth.  
  
(Capital R hears his beloved say, "Yes." He is overjoyed. Suddenly he sees that his beloved it being attacked!)  
  
Eponine began running around frantically trying to get the sticker off of her nose. The screaming and yelling proved to be a big mistake.  
  
("Don't worry, Hat Girl! I'll save you!" Capital R cries. He sees the villain responsible and gasps. It is the evil Smiling Vampire!)  
  
Eponine stopped bouncing around when she noticed Grantaire glaring at her nose. "Um... why are you glaring at my nose?" Eponine asked.  
  
(Capital R strikes!)  
  
Grantaire reached out with the speed of a cat, catching an unwary fly, and ripped the sticker off of Eponine's nose causing her to scream out in pain.  
  
(Capital R sees that his beloved is safe. He feels a bite on his hand. Oh no! The villain has chosen me as its next victim!)  
  
Grantaire glared at the sticker that was now attached to his hand. Eponine was still holding her nose. "Ouch! That hurt!" She said. "But I'll have to admit, it cleaned and opened up my pores."  
  
(Capital R fights the demonic villain!)  
  
Eponine watched the sticker fly from one hand to the other, to his face, to his foot, to his knee and thought, "I can't believe he is fighting with a sticker."  
  
(The villain makes his final attack! He leaps at Capital R and-)  
  
"Ow." Grantaire said as he looked where the sticker had gotten stuck this time. Eponine looked down too at the most likely permanent censor (unless Grantaire got brave and took it off), then looked back up at him.  
  
"I'm not helping you out with that one."  
  
(Capital R puts the ring on his beloved and gives his parting words.)  
  
Grantaire put the ring on Eponine's finger and kissed her hand. Then he stood up.  
  
"Au revoir, mon cherie! I will be back tomorrow!"  
  
Eponine looked down at the ring on her finger as a million swear words came to her head. She simply sighed, "Oh boy."  
  
Later on, Gavroche saw her with the ring. He ran up to her.  
  
"That's a big ring, Eponine! How much do you think it'll sell for?"  
  
"No Gavroche, we can't sell it."  
  
"Why not?"  
  
"I think I just got engaged... to Grantaire."  
  
Gavroche looked at her for a second and the laughed. Moments later, Montparnasse saw Gavroche crammed between two spokes of a wagon wheel.  
  
Will Eponine go through with the engagement? Will Montparnasse find out? Will Grantaire get this sticker off of the, uh, tricky spot? Will the Author go to bed? Tune in next time for more Adventures of Capital R and Hat Girl! 


	8. Capital R defeats Goatman

A/N: Sorry about this but Goatman will be no more after this episode but his family will avenge him later. There are modernisms in this one as well as some Eponine/Grantaire (It ain't onsided anymore after this one though Marius thinks it is). I do not own Les Mis, or the Gorey person in this (You'll get it later). Sorry for the reference and I hope this doesn't offend anyone but I had to do it for Scott. Enjoy!  
  
Chapter 8- Capital R defeats Goatman  
  
(The mild-mannered Grantaire pays a visit to his beloved fiancée.)  
  
Thenardier answered the door to see the ugly, unshaven Grantaire standing outside.  
  
"Whaddaya want?"  
  
"Is mon cher Eponine home?"  
  
"Ha! Well, I can get her, for a price."  
  
"Ah! A dowry! Here!" Grantaire said handing over one franc. "I hope that's enough."  
  
Thenardier looked at Grantaire, then at the franc, then at Grantaire again. "Eponine, a customer is here!" He called out.  
  
Eponine ran to the door and saw Grantaire. She shuddered inwardly, imagining why he was PAYING her father for time with her. She then continued on.  
  
"Go on. What're you waiting for?" Thenardier bellowed.  
  
(Grantaire hears a noise! He grabs his sidekick and they become Capital R and Hat Girl!)  
  
Grantaire threw off his clothes and ran off with Eponine in tow. Thenardier stared after them. "Well, he was a little eager... should I trust her with him? Yeah..."  
  
Grantaire dragged Eponine down the street past a man in a business suit much like something you would find at Suits for less or something like that. He was crying on a doorstep. "First I lose the 2000 presidential election and now I'm stuck in a time period I don't want to be in! How could things be any-" He looked up and passed out at the hideousness of the nudist.  
  
Meanwhile, Inspector Javert (whose suicide attempt after seeing the naked Grantaire the first time was thwarted by what he thought was 24601 but was really a squirrel) was helping the just recovering General Lamarque outside to get his first breath of fresh air.  
  
"See, monsieur. Everything is as you left it... the poor are taken care of, the streets are clean, Paris is still as beautiful as-" His sentence was cut short when General Lamarque gasped as Grantaire streaked across dragging the bewildered Eponine. Lamarque promptly passed out. Javert cried out, "Help! His heart's given out!"  
  
(Capital R arrives at a field. He sees his archenemy, Goatman.)  
  
The goat taunted him and bleated at him. Eponine just rolled her eyes as Grantaire glared.  
  
(Goatman attacks!)  
  
The goat rammed Grantaire in the stomach, knocking him over, and then used his stomach as a trampoline, bouncing with his head ramming into Grantaire's stomach. Eponine felt a new feeling in her as she watched Grantaire scream in pain. Was it love and anger at this animal? Eponine started to shake.  
  
(Capital R sees his sidekick shake with anger.)  
  
"Get offa him you *insert two expletives here* goat!" Eponine said as she grabbed the goat by his hind legs. Eponine then began to fight violently with the goat. The goat got the advantage though and rammed her, knocking her out.  
  
("No!" Capital R cries. "Goatman! You will pay!")  
  
The goat was suddenly very scared.  
  
("How will you defeat me?" Goatman growled. "Through cancer and addiction!" Capital R replied. "Have a light!" Capital R growled while jamming a cigar in the goat's mouth and lighting it.)  
  
Grantaire stuck a lit stick of dynamite in the goat's mouth. The goat bleated in horror as Grantaire carried away the unconscious Eponine. The goat's last thoughts were, "Oh no! It's a six second fuse and I can't spit!"  
  
Later, I the café, Grantaire had put on his clothes again and was coaxing Eponine awake. Joly ran in late again to the meeting.  
  
"Sorry I'm late again, Enjolras, but my cousin's goat exploded and I had to help pick up the pieces."  
  
"I know something else that should explode!" Enjolras said while glaring at Grantaire.  
  
Gavroche suddenly ran into the café. "Everyone! General Lamarque is dead!"  
  
Enjolras began to rally the students as Grantaire cursed under his breath because he was sure to get involved.  
  
Meanwhile, in the pasture, a nanny goat and two kids plotted their revenge...  
  
Will Grantaire fight in the upcoming insurrection? Will he survive? Will the goats get their revenge? Will Eponine fall madly in love with Grantaire? Why? Tune in next time for more Adventures of Capital R and Hat Girl!  
  
A/N: Sorry again but I had to do that to Goatman but his family will have their revenge... poor Grantaire. And to Scott, was that GOREY enough for you? No flames please. 


	9. Capital R and the Insurrection

Chapter 9- Capital R and The Insurrection.  
  
A/N: This Chapter as well as the next are very depressing but don't worry things will be looking up but then come crashing down again... Can you tell what kind of a mood that I have been in recently? Grantaire does not pass out drunk in this chapter. There is very strong Eponine/Grantaire. I do not own Les Miserables.  
  
(The Mild-mannered Grantaire bids his beloved fiancée farewell as he leaves to his impending doom.)  
  
Eponine threw her arms around Grantaire and sobbed. "Don't go, Grantaire... What if you get shot?"  
  
(The Mild-mannered Grantaire leaves towards the barricades. "Goodbye," Hat Girl cries.)  
  
Eponine felt a tear come to her eye as she whispered, "I love you."  
  
(The Mild Mannered Grantaire arrives at the barricade with carbine in hand. He stares out into the oblivion. Will he ever see his beloved Hat Girl again?)  
  
"Grantaire! Get off of Lesgles and get your gun away from his head and help with building the barricade!" Bahorel yelled at Grantaire who was standing on Lesgles (who had tripped and fallen) while his gun was pointed downward to the head of the bald man who was praying that Grantaire would not pull the trigger.  
  
Meanwhile, Eponine stared at her ring. She felt a feeling that she had never thought she would feel for Grantaire. What if Grantaire was killed? Eponine decided she would go to the barricade. She ran down the street when she was stopped by Cosette.  
  
"Would you take this letter to Marius for me?" Cosette asked. "He is at the barricade on the Rue de Chavenrie.  
  
Half of Eponine wanted to say, "Heck no! Deliver it yourself." But Eponine was headed to the barricade anyway. She took the letter and ran. She searched for about fifteen minutes until she saw the barricade.  
  
"There it is! And there's my Grantaire," Eponine said. "Who's about to get shot!" She cried as she saw a man aim at him. "I'm coming, Grantaire!"  
  
Eponine ran to the soldier and realized that there was no way to distract him. She stood in front of the gun and put her hand on the barrel. "No! I won't let you-"She cried.  
  
Her cry was cut short as the bang was heard and the bullet ripped through her hand and plunged through her chest. She cried out.  
  
Meanwhile, Grantaire was drinking brandy and enjoying himself. Joly was checking his tongue in the mirror.  
  
"Come on Joly! You're not sick! Drink with me!"  
  
"I amb thick!" Joly said.  
  
Grantaire's joy was broken by a loud scream. Grantaire suddenly became very afraid. He recognized the scream... very well.  
  
"Go see what that was, Joly," Enjolras said.  
  
Joly scaled the barricade and Saw Eponine trying to climb. He saw the blood streaming from her hand and back. "Someone's climbing the barricade! I think it's that girl Grantaire always drags around."  
  
All that Grantaire could think as his heart broke in two was, "Eponine... No..."  
  
To be continued... 


	10. Capital R says Good bye

Chapter 10- Capital R says goodbye.  
  
A/N: Yes. This one is sad too. I'm sorry that these two are sad but the next one lifts up before crashing down and goes like a roller coaster for a few chapters until being hilarious. This chapter is a little short because I am Auditioning for Joseph today (I want to play Judah again... who cares if I'm a girl... BPAC let me do it) and then I have a class that I have to be a model for. But Anyway, these chapters are only depressing because I've been depressed. I don't own Les Miserables.  
  
When we last left our heroes, Eponine had gotten shot protecting Grantaire. She climbed the barricade and saw Marius. She remembered the letter but really just wanted to find Grantaire. Marius ran to her and Eponine cursed inwardly.  
  
"Eponine! Oh no! Wat's wrong! You're hurt. Here, Let me help you! Oh, how could anyone do this to you? Are you dying? Oh, please don't die!"  
  
"Marius, I have a letter for you... from Cosette... Where's Grantaire?"  
  
"Oh, you don't want to see him... You want to see me..."  
  
Eponine looked at him. Oh great. Now he cared.  
  
(The mild-mannered Grantaire sees his beloved sidekick and decides to become Capital R to make her happy.)  
  
Eponine saw the nudist run to her and grab her from Marius' hands. He held her close and cried as Eponine looked down and thought, "Yeah, I really wanted to see THAT during my final moments."  
  
"Oh, Eponine, mon cher Hat Girl! You can't die... I love you! You're only sixteen!"  
  
Eponine decided to tell Grantaire everything. "Oh Grantaire... When I saw the man aiming at you, I couldn't let you die... I put my hand on the barrel and was shot. The bullet ripped through my hand and into my heart..."  
  
(Capital R notices that the evil Les Amis are grief stricken... Could they actually care for Hat Girl?)  
  
"Grantaire... when I first met you... I just thought you were a drunk and I didn't care for you but now... now I know, Mon Capital R... Now I know that I love you..."  
  
Eponine reached up and kissed Grantaire as passionately as she could as Grantaire deepened the kiss. Then she laid back and closed her eyes giving Grantaire a smile.  
  
"Eponine? Mon cher Hat Girl?" Grantaire whispered. He Then decided that she was really gone and let out a loud cry. "No!"  
  
To be continued... 


	11. Hat Girl Lives

Chapter 11- Hat Girl Lives  
  
A/N: Thanks to good reviews and the fact that I don't like the fact that my favorite five characters die (Grantaire, Eponine, Enjolras, Joly, and Gavroche), this chapter looks up a little bit. But don't worry, thing will be looking up even more... I don't own Les Miserables.  
  
"Mon Cher hat Girl! No!" Grantaire cried as her ran away to a table. He decided then and there tat he wwould never become "Capital R" again for his beloved sidekick was gone. Meanwhile, Joly knelt down by Eponine as Enjolras stood almost beside himself. Joly held Eponine's wrist to find that...  
  
"She's still alive! I think I can save her!"  
  
Joly took Eponine to a table in the back room and began to try and get the bullet out of her. Meanwhile, Grantaire was attempting to drink himself to death.  
  
Many strenuous hours later...  
  
Joly bandaged Eponine up and sat back as Eponine regained conciousness.  
  
"Grantaire?" She whispered as Lesgles walked over to Joly.  
  
"She's okay... It was almost uncertain for a while but now she's okay... Go tell Grantaire that there is a surprise for him," Joly told Lesgles.  
  
Lesgles saw Grantaire with his head down on a table that was surrounded by bottles.  
  
"Grantaire... We have something for you."  
  
"Only if it involves joining my beloved," Grantaire said before passing out.  
  
Lesgles was about to answer when he felt a bullet rip through him. He turned to see that the National Guard was storming the barricade.  
  
After Much Fighting...  
  
Enjolras closed the door quickly as he entered the back room. He saw Eponine, propped up and Joly, looking wearily at the cupboard to the right.  
  
"They're dead," Enjolras gasped.  
  
"All of them?" Joly and Eponine cried.  
  
"Yes... Everyone who was in there was killed... we have to stay in here."  
  
"Oh Grantaire!" Eponine wept. "Why do I live when you are dead."  
  
Enjolras and Joly looked at each other. Joly whispered, "If I were Eponine and I was always around Grantaire when he was acting like a deranged nudist, I wouldn't say that... Now if it were Lesgles... Oh Lesgles..."  
  
Grantaire was awakened when he heard his name cried out by a familiar voice. He looked around while feeling that wonderful thing we call a hangover. "Eponine! Be quiet!" Grantaire heard a voice say. Suddenly he perked up. He decided to see if what he heard was real and followed the voices.  
  
In the back room, Eponine was sobbing. Suddenly, they heard a pounding on the door.  
  
"Oh No! They found us!" Eponine cried.  
  
"Great hiding spot, Enjolras!"  
  
"Aww man! Why didn't I bring my gun?"  
  
The door opened and in walked Grantaire. He instantly ran to Eponine and held her close. They spoke sweet endearments to each other as Enjolras and Joly both became sickened. Suddenly, they heard the doorknob rattle. They were once again scared to death only to find Gavroche, standing in front of the door.  
  
"Gavroche! You're alive!"  
  
"Yeah! I hid in a cupboard the whole time!"  
  
An hour later, Eponine had fallen asleep in Grantaire's protective embrace. Gavroche walked over to Enjolras and Joly.  
  
"Now that we've survived, we have to go into hiding. Enjolras you'll have it the worst... First of all, you'll have to cut and darken your hair... Then, you will have to stop wearing you red vest."  
  
That was the straw that broke the camel's back as Enjolras let out a string of curse words. Joly laughed at him.  
  
(Capital R decides to make Les Amis into his allies.)  
  
Grantaire threw off all of his clothing which covered Eponine completely and knelt in front of Joly. He mumbled something incoherently as Gavroche styled Enjolras' hair.  
  
"Oh, Enjolras, your hair is so impossible!" Gavroche said.  
  
"Wait! I hear voices!" A man said outside the door.  
  
"Go in and kill everyone inside."  
  
Gavroche hurried the men out the window. As they made it out the café, they heard guns start to go off. Enjolras turned to see Grantaire's pained expression.  
  
"Who did we- Oh no..."  
  
Grantaire simply cried out, "Hat Girl!"  
  
Gavroche stated to himself, "I wonder which is more ironic? The fact that Grantaire just lost Eponine again or the fact that he cannot go back to get his clothes."  
  
Shortly, the men left the café. The pile of clothing start to shake as Eponine popped up with Grantaire's undergarments on top of her hat. "This is the first time I have ever been thankful that he became Capital R..." She decided to go out the open window.  
  
Grantaire began to cry as he thought of Eponine. Enjolras thought out loud, "He's lost her again and now she'll never come-"  
  
Just then, Eponine walked up behind him, holding Grantaire's clothes. "Hey you guys!" She said.  
  
Grantaire turned around.  
  
"Hat Girl? He asked. He then ran to her and kissed her passionately. Joly covered Gavroche's eyes and cried, "Ugh! Get a room!"  
  
After they parted, Eponine led Grantaire and the others to the Gorbeau Tenement. She decided they would stay there. Grantaire got dressed as soon as they entered the apartment.  
  
"Okay everyone, go find a spot on the floor to sleep," Eponine said. She walked to her mattress and plopped down on it, falling asleep within seconds.  
  
"Grantaire finds his place to sleep," Grantaire narrarated for himself.  
  
After about an hour, Eponine woke up when she felt the mattress shift. She turned to see Grantaire next to her.  
  
"On the floor, Grantaire!" She growled as Grantaire awakened.  
  
How did Eponine recover so fast? Did Marius get the letter? Do we care? Why doesn't Grantaire check a pulse? Why are there so many modernisms in this one? Will the author go to bed so she can drive her mom to a restaurant for mother's day? Tune in next time for more adventures of Capital R and Hat Girl. 


	12. The Ransom and Marriage of Hat Girl

Chapter 12- The Ransom and Marriage of Hat Girl  
  
A/N: This one is just slightly sad but it has a happy ending. This answers the question, 'What will Montparnasse do?" I do not own Les Miserables.  
  
Azelma brushed Eponine's hair as Eponine talked to her.  
  
"I can't believe I would ever be excited to marry Grantaire. He's just so wonderful... and handsome." Here, Azelma laughed. Eponine glared and continued, "Okay. Tell them I'll be right out."  
  
Azelma left. Eponine closed her eyes when she felt two hands massaging her shoulder. "Grantaire, you aren't supposed to see me before the wedding," She sighed. She then turned around to see-  
  
"Wait! You're not Grantaire! You're Mont-"  
  
Eponine couldn't finish the sentence for she was gagged and dragged out of the room and out the window. Azelma walked back in. She came in just as Eponine was dragged out.  
  
"Eponine, I forgot to- Eponine?" Azelma then saw a note on the table. She read it aloud. "'Grantaire, give Eponine to me or she will die. Montparnasse'" Azelma then ran out the door to Grantaire who was wondering where Eponine was.  
  
"Grantaire! Grantaire! It's Eponine!" Azelma cried as she handed Grantaire the note.  
  
Grantaire read it through and then looked around.  
  
(The Mild Mannered Grantaire becomes Capital R and flies off to save his beloved sidekick.)  
  
The priest watched as the nudist left the chapel. He simply thought, "Well, that's a first."  
  
(Capital R flies through the streets of Paris when he hears a familiar scream.)  
  
Montparnasse was beating Eponine senselessly. Her simple wedding dress was now torn up to rags. Blood trickled from her mouth. She had bruises covering her body. She cried out.  
  
"Montparnasse! Stop! I'll never love you."  
  
"If you know what's good for you, you will."  
  
Montparnasse picked her up and threw her into a wall. She could hear a snap in her back as she felt her head rattle. She cried out as Montparnasse laughed, "He only proposed out of pity." Montparnasse dragged Eponine and pulled her leg back. She heard a loud crack and felt the intense pain. She tasted blood in her mouth. "He's probably already found another mistress!"  
  
Just then, the naked Grantaire burst in. "Unhand her fiend!" Montparnasse laughed cruelly as he unsheathed a knife.  
  
"Give her to me, Grantaire, or she dies!"  
  
Grantaire gasped and fought internally. Eponine felt a tear trickle down her face. She would rather die than be with Montparnasse.  
  
"Grantaire! I don't care if I die... I love you..." She cried.  
  
"I... I... You can have her, Montparnasse," Grantaire said sadly. Eponine cried out as Montparnasse stood her up.  
  
"Good... Now to finish the job!" Montparnasse laughed as he raised the knife high over Eponine who cried out. Grantaire saw this and charged Montparnasse.  
  
The two struggled fiercely as Grantaire tried to get the knife. Montparnasse found an opportune time and jabbed the knife into Grantaire's stomach. Eponine cried out as Grantaire staggered and then punched Montparnasse with all of his strength, causing the man to pass out. Eponine ran to Grantaire and helped him to the ground.  
  
"Grantaire! Oh, Grantaire... Why did you do it?"  
  
"I couldn't let you die... Oh mon cher... It hurts..."  
  
Eponine waited until the blood started to clot (Yes, she had experience with this before, and then carefully removed the knife. Grantaire gasped.  
  
"At least I got it out... oh please hang on Grantaire..."  
  
Eponine bandages Grantaire with some of the remains of her dress and then helped him up. She acted as a crutch as they headed to the chapel.  
  
When they finally reached the chapel, Eponine helped Grantaire dress and then Enjolras took him up to the front of the chapel. Eponine came down the aisle. Of course, this was a very secretive wedding so no one else except the remaining Amis, Gavroche, and Azelma were in attendance. As Eponine and Grantaire exchanged vows, Gavroche leaned over to Azelma.  
  
"You'll never guess what my wedding night prank is."  
  
"What?"  
  
"Guess."  
  
"I don't know!"  
  
As Grantaire and Eponine kissed passionately after pronounced husband and wife, Gavroche whispered, "I put itching powder in there bed."  
  
Will Eponine and Grantaire notice the itching powder in there bed? How did Gavroche get a hold of it? How did Grantaire not die from getting stabbed in the stomach? What happened to Montparnasse? Tune in next time for more adventures of Capital R and Hat Girl. 


	13. Capital R and the Terriers

Chapter 13- Capital R and the Terriers  
  
A/N: I am writing this one more as a warning about the ownership of the Cairn Terrier... This is a PSA hidden in a fan fiction and is dedicated to my little Cairn, Mitch. I do not own Les Miserables but I do own the terriers. All of them... every last one...  
  
Eponine sat at the small makeshift table the morning after she and Grantaire go married. She wore Grantaire's shirt (Which was way too big for her). Grantaire walked up behind her with a blanket wrapped around his waist and planted a kiss on the top of her head. Gavroche was at the table as well.  
  
"How was your night?" He snickered.  
  
"It was great," Eponine said. "We had to sleep on Enjolras' mattress though because ours was too small."  
  
"Wait. If you were in Enjolras' bed... then... uh-oh," Gavroche said.  
  
Enjolras walked up to them, scratching every place imaginable. "I don't get it," he said, "I just am itching all over the place."  
  
"I am so dead," Gavroche gulped as Grantaire and Eponine kissed passionately. Azelma walked up to Eponine and pulled her aside.  
  
"So, how was it?"  
  
"Well, things started out pretty bad. I had to give him The Talk last night because he didn't understand why I would want him to be 'Capital R'. It took him even longer to get over the fact that it was not 'gross.' After that, things went well but I had no idea I was marrying a man with the mindset of a five year old."  
  
Azelma started laughing. Grantaire walked up to Eponine and kissed her.  
  
"Do you want to go for a walk, mon cher?"  
  
"Yes, mon Capital R."  
  
After they had gotten dressed, they left the room. Enjolras looked after them and sighed.  
  
"If only I had acted sooner, then that would be me that he was taking out."  
  
Eponine and Grantaire walked and in hand down the street. Meanwhile, a small terrier was running their way. His only thought was, "Runrunrunrunrunrunrunrunrunrunrunrun!"  
  
Grantaire heard the terrier bark and suddenly he thought it was a cry for help. He threw off his clothes and grabbed Eponine who instantly thought, "I thought marrying him would reduce the need for being DRAGGED!"  
  
The terrier saw Grantaire and its thought changed from "Runrunrunrunrun!" to "Jumpjumpjumpjumpjump!" The terrier made a flying leap from the ground to Grantaire's leg. It jumped try to get higher and higher.  
  
(Capital R notices that this is the evil Ninja Terrier! He decides to do battle.)  
  
Grantaire reached for the dog and the dog dodged him as the thought became "Playplayplayplayplay!" It tore down the street with Grantaire, dragging Eponine, chasing him.  
  
The terrier ran down an alley and then smacked into a wall. He was unphase. He turned and saw the nudist in front of him.  
  
(Capital R had the fiend cornered. Suddenly, it emits a noise!)  
  
The terrier craned back its head and let out a very raspy howl. Suddenly, Grantaire noticed a hundred little beady eyes staring at him. If he had any pants, he would've peed them. Instead...  
  
"Grantaire, that's gross," Eponine said as she thought, "Oh great. He's incontinent too."  
  
(Capital R sees the Terrier's allies in the darkness. They leap out twirling num-chucks! He holds Hat Girl back.)  
  
The terriers leapt on him and soon Grantaire and Eponine were covered in the little dogs. Eponine thought "He gonna end up taking himself out of the world the same way he came into it... naked and screaming." Grantaire screamed as they clawed him and nibbled on him. They were of course playing but they didn't know that Grantaire was afraid.  
  
(Capital R admits defeat when suddenly, the head Terrier comes up and makes a peace offering.)  
  
The first terrier licked Grantaire's ears. Then the other terriers responded as they all thought "Licklicklicklicklicklicklicklick!"  
  
"Oh Hat Girl, they're so cute. Let's take them all home," Grantaire said.  
  
All Eponine could think was, "I know of an Enjolras that will not be very happy."  
  
Enjolras sat down just staring at a photo album of him and Grantaire. He remembered when they would play house and Enjolras would play the wife while wearing a dress. How he wished that he still had that dress. Joly saw him and said, "There are so many reasons you should have that photo album. Does the author just not have anything for Enjolras to do?"  
  
Suddenly, there was a rumbling. Enjolras and Joly both looked up as the door fell down and a flood of terriers ran into the room. Soon, there were about a hundred little terriers cover the floor running around and jumping, thinking, "Runrunrunrun! Jumpjumpjumpjump! Greetgreetgreetgreet!" Grantaire and Eponine walked in as Grantaire asked "They're so cute... can we keep them?"  
  
Enjolras couldn't refuse even though Joly was "going into" anaphylactic shock.  
  
Will Enjolras come out of the closet? Is Joly really going into anaphylactic shock? Will Joly come out of the closet? Will Grantaire really keep all one hundred terriers? What if one terrier has a puppy? Will Eponine stay married to Grantaire even though he's incontinent and has a five year old mentality? Does anyone know the references used in the question section (Hint: It's a 70's sitcom that just went to DVD last year)? Tune in next time for more Adventures of Capital R and Hat Girl! 


	14. The naming of The Terriers

Chapter 14- The naming of the Terriers  
  
A/N: This chapter may have some bad French but the words will be translated. I don't own Les Miserables.  
  
Eponine and Grantaire were sitting side by side discussing where they should go for a private trip. After a while, Grantare massaged Eponine's neck and kissed her. Eponine passionately returned the kiss as they fell to the mattress. This awakened one of the terriers. It ran over and started to "dig" between the two, ruining a possibly romantic moment. Eponine was mad.  
  
The next day, Grantaire and Eponine decided that they had had the terriers long enough to name them. Grantaire sat on the couch as Eponine held each Terrier and tied a makeshift collar around each neck. Joly walked over to her.  
  
"So, what have you decided to name them?"  
  
Eponine looked at him. "Well, the black, quintuplet terriers are named "Perte, De, Fois, Et Espace. This one that peed on your cravat is Mauvais Chien. This one here is Pourquois. The one that peed on Enjolras' red vest and is always going to the bathroom is Incontinent. The one that bit Gavroche is Non. The one that came between me and Grantaire when he was trying to get romantic last night is Tuez-moi Maintenant. This little one is Euthanasie. The little brindle one is Fourche-morsure. The wheaton one is Ninja..." Eponine continued on for an hour. Finally Joly asked.  
  
"Why did you name the Brindle Fourche-morsure?"  
  
His answer came as Grantaire screamed out loud and ran in with Fourche- morsure dangling from between his legs.  
  
"Get this fourche-morsure offa me!"  
  
Translations:  
  
Crotch-bite- Fourche-morsure Waste- Perte Of- De Time- Fois And- Et Time- Espace Mauvais Chien- Bad dog Pourquoi- Why Non- No Incontinent Tuez-moi Maintenant- Kill me now Euthanasie- Euthanasia A/N: Sorry this chapter is so short but I had to name the important Terriers that will be used later on. The next chapter will have some Enjolras/Joly. You knew it was coming. Please review but no flames please. 


	15. Hypochondrion and Red and Black Apollo c...

Chapter 15- Hypochondrion and Red and Black Apollo come out of The Closet  
  
A/N: Yes. You read right. A slash warning between Enjolras and Joly. Montparnasse will come back in another few chapters for a final time (LesMis Loony, I will give Montparnasse to you in that Chapter.) and this one may end after a few chapters. It will be a bittersweet ending so you have been warned. I don't own Les Mis.  
  
It was about one month after the terrier incident. Enjolras and Joly sat down on a battered couch waiting for Grantaire and Eponine to get home. Azelma and Gavroche were playing in the hall. Enjolras sighed.  
  
"I was too late."  
  
"Huh?"  
  
"I was too late to win over Grantaire. I loved him and he never noticed because he was too busy running around naked. Eponine's so lucky... being dragged around by the nudist... always with him..."  
  
"Are you... you know?"  
  
"Yes, Joly. I like men... namely Grantaire... what about you?"  
  
"Well, Lesgles and I loved each other. As you know, we shared EVERYTHING. But now he's gone."  
  
There was a long silence. Enjolras looked over at Joly. His long, light brown hair was tossed messily about his head. He had a rather high forehead and his striking blues eyes reminded him of twin sapphires.  
  
Joly looked at Enjolras. His dark hair was curlier now that it was short. He still wore a serious expression but it had a dreamier look to it now. He stared into Enjolras' bluish-brown eyes. Was it possible that he was falling in love again?  
  
"Um, Joly?"  
  
"Yes Enjolras?"  
  
"Would you ever fall in love again?"  
  
"Depends? With whom?"  
  
Enjolras leaned over and kissed him. Joly deepened the kiss.  
  
About an hour later, Eponine and Grantaire walked in to find Enjolras and Joly making-out on the couch. Eponine almost threw up as Grantaire stood wide-eyed.  
  
"Ummm..." Grantaire said.  
  
"Oh, Grantaire!" Enjolras exclaimed as he and Joly quickly pulled away from each other "Uh... nothing going on here... We were just... uh... discussing the reason as to why the insurrection failed... Ummmm..."  
  
Grantaire looked from Enjolras to Joly, from Joly to Enjolras, and then to Eponine.  
  
"Eponine?"  
  
"Yes, Grantaire?"  
  
"Is that what we're really doing each night? I thought we were-"  
  
Eponine quickly silenced him as Gavroche and Azelma entered the room. Shortly after they walked in, there was a rumble and the terriers all ran into the room. Fourche-morsure ran up to Grantaire and did what it was named for. Grantaire howled in pain and while Eponine, Azelma, and Gavroche were occupied with dislodging the Cairn Terrier from between Grantaire's legs, Joly and Enjolras shared a passionate kiss. Unfortunately, Gavroche turned to see them and let out a long, loud, "EEEEEEWWWWW!"  
  
Will Joly and Enjolras get married? Will the law allow them to do that? Why does Grantaire have the mentality of a five year old? Do we really care? Will Gavroche recover from what he just saw? Tune in next time for more Adventures of Capital R and Hat Girl.  
  
A/N: Okay, so this chapter may not make much sense. The next chapter will be very cute. I know because I'm writing it.... Okay. Bed time for me.  
  
LesMisLoony: Please let me know if you want your name to be used in the last Montparnasse one (Don't worry. He doesn't die. That isn't why it's his last one.)  
  
La Epster 


	16. Hat Girl and the Weight Gain

Chapter 16- Hat Girl and the Weight Gain  
  
A/N: This is a cute one and it tells the gender of Fourche-Morsure. Also, this has a major time lapse and Eponine getting sick. I don't own Les Miserables.  
  
Grantaire was sleeping when he was awakened and saw Eponine get up. She walked to the window and threw up. A man made an audible noise of displeasure. Eponine then walked back to Grantaire. She laid next to him and felt her stomach.  
  
"Are you okay, mon cher?" Grantaire whispered.  
  
"Yeah... I think so... I feel fat." Eponine said rubbing her stomach.  
  
"You aren't fat, mon amour." Grantaire whispered as he kissed her neck. "Now good night my sweet."  
  
Eponine smiled as she rested her head against Grantaire's chest and fell asleep. Grantaire couldn't sleep.  
  
(The mild-mannered Grantaire looks down at his beloved sidekick and realizes he has to get the bottom of this. He gets out of bed carefully and becomes Capital R. He leaves a note for his beloved. He then takes off.)  
  
Grantaire streaked (pardon the joke) out of the apartment after leaving a note.  
  
The next morning, Eponine awakened to feel extremely nauseated. She looked to see that Grantaire was gone. She saw a note in his place.  
  
"Mon cher Hat Girl, I have decided to get to the bottom of why you are so sick. Love, R."  
  
Eponine rolled her eyes. All that Grantaire had to do was get Joly to do a check-up and he wouldn't have to run through Paris in the nude trying to find some evil villain. Meanwhile, Fourche-Morsure walked over to Eponine. The dog had been gaining weight over the past month. Eponine started to suspect that Fourche-Morsure was 1. not a male, and 2. going to have puppies. Eponine decided that she would go out and find Grantaire. As she left, Fourche-Morsure decided then and there that the time was now.  
  
(Capital R flies around looking for the evil that has caused his sidekick so much pain. He lights on a flagpole and waits. A bird flies by. Capital R realizes this bird could be the evil. He leaps out for it.)  
  
Grantaire made a flying leap at the bird. He did not realize that gravity was quickly gaining control. He felt gravity take control and could not react. The "whump" echoed throughout the streets.  
  
Eponine was staggering along the street. She felt so nauseated. She stopped by the side of the road and threw up. Joly had been out walking and saw her. He ran to her.  
  
"Eponine? Are you okay?"  
  
"I don't know."  
  
"Here, let me get you back home," Joly said as he lifted up Eponine. Neither had seen Grantaire, face down, across the street with a dog sniffing him.  
  
(Capital R gets up and begins to walk back to his hideout for he has forgotten why he was outside.)  
  
Grantaire began to stagger to the apartment. He walked up the stairs when he heard small whimpers from inside. He opened the door and saw Eponine on the mattress and Fourche-Morsure nursing five little puppies.  
  
While Grantaire had been staggering, Joly had been checking Eponine for why she was so sick. He double and triple checked his diagnosis. When Grantaire opened the door, Joly ran over to him.  
  
"Congratulations, Grantaire."  
  
"On the five puppies?"  
  
"No. You and Eponine-"  
  
Eponine got up slowly and walked to Grantaire and embraced him.  
  
"Grantaire, I'm pregnant. We're going to have a baby."  
  
Grantaire didn't know quite what to do except squeal for joy. Then he laughed. "I finally get to see the stork!" Grantaire squealed as Eponine thought, "I thought that when he got the talk, he had it straight in his head that it isn't the stork."  
  
Gavroche entered the room with Enjolras and Azelma. Gavroche looked at Eponine and then at Grantaire. "What's he so happy about?"  
  
"Gavroche, you and Azelma are going to have a niece or nephew. Aren't you happy?"  
  
Gavroche looked around at all of the Terriers and sighed. "Great, another mouth to feed."  
  
That was when Eponine knew. They had to get rid of all of the terriers. Grantaire was not going to take it well.  
  
Will Eponine convince Grantaire that they need to sell some of the terriers? Will it work? Will Eponine have a boy or girl? Will Fourche- Morsure's puppies take after her? Will Grantaire get it in his head that the stork doesn't bring babies in cloth blankets? Will the Trix Rabbit ever get some Trix? Tune in next week for more Adventures of Capital R and Hat Girl?  
  
A/N: The end is coming soon. Also, to answer the bluish-brown eyes question, Enjolras' irises have small flecks of brown pigment in them causing a really pretty color (I've seen it in some of my friends I think..) Please no flames.  
  
La Epster 


	17. Grantaire, a Speedo, and Martian Goats

Chapter 17- Grantaire, a Speedo, and Martian Goats  
  
A/N: I know, this seems disturbing because it is. There are a lot of modernisms in this one. Anyway, the end is near. It will be bittersweet. It will have a time lapse. I do not own Les Miserables or Speedo and by the end of this Chapter, Grantaire will only own two Cairn Terriers... Two FEMALE Cairn Terriers.  
  
Grantaire and Eponine were headed to Callais to have a romantic week ALONE. As they boarded the carriage, Eponine turned to Joly and Enjolras and simply said, "Get the job done."  
  
(The mild mannered Grantaire cannot wait to show his beloved wife what he brought on their trip. He watches her sleep next to him.)  
  
Enjolras and Joly looked at the Terriers. They had to get rid of them somehow. They did not want to kill all of them. They decided to open the door so they would all run out. The terriers did all run out the door. Just when Enjolras thought they were gone, in would come Gavroche with 99 terriers chasing him. Sot this went on until there were only two terriers left. They were Fourch-Morsure and her runt daughter. Enjolras decided that Grantaire could deal with these two.  
  
(The mild Mannered Grantaire and His beloved wife arrive at the inn. Grantaire shows his wife what he brought.)  
  
Grantaire pulled out a Speedo and showed Eponine who read the label.  
  
"It says 'Speedo'... Oh no!"  
  
Eponine watched as Grantaire struggled to put it on. Meanwhile, she looked in her suitcase and found a swimming suit in there. Then the two went out to the sea. Small children screamed and ran away. Mothers held their children protectively. Young girls vomited. And Grantaire didn't have a clue that it was because of him.  
  
"Well, mon cher. I think I look dashing in my new Speedo. What do you think?"  
  
"Oh it's... lovely... Grantaire but maybe you should try on these swim trunks so the other people don't get offen- jealous."  
  
Later that night, Eponine and Grantaire slept side by side.  
  
"Capital R holds his beloved Hat Girl close. He cannot help feeling that something is wrong."  
  
"Grantaire, are you going to narrarate our whole trip?"  
  
Meanwhile, over Paris, a Martian Goat ship was hovering.  
  
"Commander, we have word from three goats in a pasture in Paris. They say it is the perfect place to start our conquest and to take out the one they call 'The Nudist.'"  
  
"Perfect."  
  
Back in Paris, the next day, Gavroche saw a bright light coming down out of the sky. Enjolras saw him staring wide eyed.  
  
"What's wro- Oh no!"  
  
The alien ship landed right outside the Gorbeau House. Enjolras watched in horror as the Martian Goats stepped out of the ship.  
  
Grantaire suddenly could tell something was wrong.  
  
(Capital R realizes his Allies are in trouble. He grabs his beloved Hat Girl. "Come on! Our allies are in trouble!")  
  
Eponine cursed silently as Grantaire dragged her with the speed of a Cheetah who realized that a fat antelope ran past him.  
  
When they finally arrived in Paris, they saw the Martian Goats with Enjolras, Joly, and Gavroche in their cloven hooves. Grantaire turned to Eponine.  
  
"Please stay here, mon cher. I don't want you to get hurt. I love you."  
  
"I love you too." Eponine tearfully replied.  
  
Grantaire stood and faced the Goats.  
  
"Unhand my friends you-"  
  
Grantaire was promptly grabbed by one of the goats. "This must be 'The Nudist!'"  
  
"Are you pleased commander?"  
  
"Yes. These humans will be delicious."  
  
Eponine heard his and saw Grantaire. "No!" She cried out.  
  
(Capital R looks at the creature. He knows it's the end.)  
  
"Hey! You big dumb goat!" Eponine cried out as she ran out of the shadows.  
  
"Hat Girl!" Grantaire cried.  
  
The goat smacked Eponine against a wall as bright beams shot out of its eyes. Eponine screamed. "No!" Grantaire cried as he saw the pile of ashes by the wall with Eponine's singed hat resting on top.  
  
(Capital R sees the remains of his beloved and acts on a deep impulse.)  
  
Grantaire threw back his head and cried.  
  
(Capital R feels the creature's hot breath. He knows the end is near as he performs his final act.)  
  
Suddenly, Grantaire was thrown out of the goat's hooves as it cried out "Augh! It peed on me!"  
  
"Don't get it on me or I'll dissolve too!" The other cried as they both started to melt into the street.  
  
Joly, Enjolras, and Gavroche fell into a pile.  
  
"Wow, Grantaire's incontinence actually helped us." Gavroche thought. They all looked as Grantaire as he picked up Eponine's hat. They watched the tears fall down his face.  
  
"Do you want us to say a few words?" Joly asked.  
  
"Mm-hmm" Grantaire whimpered.  
  
Enjolras picked up some of the ashes. "Eponine was a wonderful young woman who was taken away to soon. She was a wonderful friend, wife, sister, and would-be mother. She-"  
  
"Hey! You Guys!" A voice said. They all turned around to see, peeking around the wall...  
  
"Eponine!" They all cried out.  
  
"Uh, yeah... say, can any of you get me any clothes? Mine kinda got burnt off."  
  
Enjolras ran inside the Gorbeau house and ran into the apartment. He grabbed another ratted outfit that looked a lot like Eponines usual one. He gave it to her and she dressed. They returned to the apartment and Grantaire saw that there were only two terriers left. Unfortunately, Fourche-Morsure was one of them and she decided to greet him.  
  
"OOOOWWWWW!" Grantaire screamed.  
  
Meanwhile, the nanny goat and her two kids cursed and plotted another way to get revenge...  
  
Will Grantaire be defeated by the goats? What will Grantaire name Fourche- Morsure's puppy? Will Grantaire finally be completely toilet trained? Tune in next time for more adventures of Capital R and Hat Girl!  
  
A/N: The end is nearer. The next one will be leading up to it even more.  
  
La Epster 


	18. The End Part 1

Chapter 18- The End Part 1  
  
A/N: This one marks Montparnasse's final appearance and possibly Eponine's... I don't know... I don't own Les Miserables.  
  
Joly, Enjolras, Grantaire, and Eponine were walking Fourche-Morsure and her puppy, Ep (Grantaire named her after Eponine since she was nicer than her mother). Suddenly, they saw a blinding bright light. A machine appeared. Two girls stepped out. They were dressed in almost metallic clothes.  
  
"Kay! Look. It worked." The taller of the two said.  
  
"You're right Xari. Now we can fix up time."  
  
"Who are you?" Joly asked.  
  
"We are Kay and Xari from America in 2035. Time was altered by your surviving on the barricade. If you stay alive for the next 5 years, the world will change completely and France will be destroyed. We learned from an old man that France will have been destroyed in 1837 due to your still existing and causing another revolt. Kay and I are both descendents of people who would've been killed and we would rather exist. Now, you can come with us or die."  
  
Eponine grabbed Grantaire's hand tightly. Montparnasse was walking innocently across the street. He had chosen the wrong time to do such. Suddenly, one of the girls shot a gun at him and he was bound in a net.  
  
"We will not go with you, whoever you are," Enjolras replied.  
  
"Very well then. We will take you out, one by one." Kay said as she aimed an odd looking gun at Grantaire. "You first."  
  
"No!" Eponine cried. She tried to wrestle the gun out of Kay's hand and suddenly screamed. She stepped away as she looked down at the gaping hole in her abdomen. Grantaire held her and carried her away. Joly and Enjolras followed with Ep trailing close behind. Fourche-Morsure barked angrily at the girls. Xari grabbed her and they boarded the machine with the terrier and Montparnasse.  
  
The machine was enveloped in a blinding light. Unfortunately, the girls had entered the wrong calculations and they were sent hurtling into a mountain. But Montparnasse and The terrier flew out before the crash.  
  
Meanwhile, a girl named Erin was typing on her computer. Suddenly, Montparnasse came crashing through the ceiling and made a great cushion for the terrier. Erin looked up to the heavens and mouthed "Thank You."  
  
Back in 1832, Grantaire laid Eponine down on their mattress. He kissed her.  
  
"Is there anything we can do, Joly?"  
  
"I'm afraid not... She is not going to live... I'm sorry."  
  
Grantaire started to cry. Eponine looked up at him and smiled.  
  
"I love you, Grantaire."  
  
"I love you too." He sobbed.  
  
Eponine closed her eyes. Grantaire wept. He then ran out the door. Joly and Enjolras both sat down.  
  
"What do we do, now?"  
  
"I don't know... He loved her so much."  
  
They left the room. At that moment, Marius flew through the window. He looked around. He was wearing his tricolor sash and a spandex suit. He wore glasses.  
  
"The amazing Doltboy sees his best friend on a mattress." Marius said looking down at Eponine. "I thought you were dead. I will take you away and heal you."  
  
Marius grabbed Eponine and flew out the window. He landed on her causing her to cry out. Marius then ran down the street screaming "Ca-caw! Ca-caw! Ca-caw!"  
  
Grantaire walked back into the room later that night to see that Eponine was gone. He screamed and Enjolras, Joly, Gavroche, and Azelma ran into the room. They saw Grantaire crying.  
  
"Oh no! Someone stole Eponine!" Enjolras cried.  
  
Joly saw a note at the window. "Hey! It says, 'This has been another rescue by Doltboy!'"  
  
Grantaire cried again. He looked out the window. "Eponine!" He cried. "I will wait until you return!"  
  
Joly and Enjolras looked at each other. They knew she was as good as dead.  
  
"She will come back... won't she?" Grantaire whimpered.  
  
Will Eponine come back? Is she alive? Will Marius end up killing himself and speeding up Eponine's death? Will Grantaire kill himself if Eponine dies? Tune in next time for the Final Adventure of Capital R and Hat Girl  
  
A/N: Yes, this is the next to last one. Please no flames. I told you it would be bittersweet.  
  
La Epster 


	19. The End Part 2

Chapter 19- The End Part 2  
  
A/N: This is the last Chapter and is kind of sad. I may do a sequel though... I don't know. Anyway, I don't own Les Miserables.  
  
So Grantaire would wait and wait each day for Eponine to come home. Then one day, Enjolras and Joly came in they carried a large, bloodstained blanket wrapped around a body.  
  
"Grantaire... we found Eponine... She was... oh it was horrible." Enjolras gasped  
  
"Marius was next to her. He was dead as well... It looked as though he had... Oh I can't say it..." Joly choked out.  
  
"Eponine." Grantaire whispered. He walked to the blanket and pulled back the wrap by her face. She was most certainly dead. Grantaire kissed her forehead and cried. He laid down on the mattress they once shared and wept. Ep padded over to him and licked his tearstained cheek. Grantaire pulled her into his chest and sobbed. Enjolras removed Eponine's hat and placed it next to Grantaire.  
  
"We'll go and bury her now." Joly said softly. He and Enjolras carried her out the door.  
  
So Grantaire was never the same. He developed a true drinking problem. He had never become Capital R after that. Joly and Enjolras were always trying to comfort him as well as Azelma and Gavroche. But Azelma was also deeply troubled by Eponine's death. One day, Joly came home carrying Azelma's body.  
  
"She drowned herself... That's another of our 'merry band' gone."  
  
Grantaire now only had Joly, Enjolras, and Gavroche to provide human comfort. Then, one day, Enjolras and Joly were both killed in a tragic incident involving a runaway cart. Grantaire was now almost always silent. Gavroche was becoming annoyed by this.  
  
"Grantaire! I'm sick of you moping around all of the time! I'm leaving!"  
  
With that, Gavroche ran out the door. He was never seen again. Now, Grantaire only had Ep. But she was the runt of the litter and was now suffering from a rare disease. Grantaire tried to nurse her back to health but she died two weeks after showing symptoms. Now, Grantaire was alone. He didn't eat. He didn't leave the house. One day, Grantaire got sick. He could not afford a doctor. He knew that he would die soon. He thought about Eponine again. She had died. Those girls took his wife and his only child.  
  
He woke up one night about three weeks into his illness to see Eponine. He realized he could stand.  
  
"Eponine?"  
  
"Yes, my love."  
  
"Are we going home?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Oh Eponine, I missed you so much. I couldn't live without you."  
  
"I know."  
  
Suddenly, Azelma and Gavroche appeared. They ran over and hugged Grantaire. Enjolras, Joly, and Lesgles appeared holding hands. Grantaire and Eponine kissed. Then they were all enveloped in a blinding light. When they arrived in heaven, Eponine and Grantaire went away to their own corner. There, they were greeted by Ep. Eponine then took Grantaire over to a cradle and said, "Meet your daughter, Celeste."  
  
Grantaire kissed Eponine and asked, "Can I call her Hat Gamine?"  
  
The End  
  
A/N: Yes, corny end but I was tired. Again, I may do a sequel. But anyway, Please no flames.  
  
La Epster 


End file.
